Affairs get a negative press in Anglo-Saxon countries, where they are discussed in terms of infidelity, adultery, cheating, dishonesty, and betrayal. Four-fifths of people in Britain condemn affairs as always wrong. The consequence is an over-reaction to discovery of sexual infidelities, and high divorce rates, leading to serial monogamy across life. For over three decades, about half of all first marriages in the USA have ended in divorce. Britain follows closely, with one-third of first marriages ending in divorce. Yet two-thirds of people in Britain do not regard sex as a central part of marriage, so logically marriage can still permit affairs.

The classic affair is between an older, married man, typically successful and affluent, and an attractive young single woman. This always had the potential to become exploitative or unfair, as the young woman usually hoped for marriage to her lover – a marriage that would never happen. In addition, there was always the risk of unplanned pregnancies and children.

We need to update modern morals and lifestyles following the contraceptive revolution which uncouples sexuality from fertility. Modern contraception led to an expansion of recreational sex for people of all ages. Both pre-marital and extra-marital liaisons become feasible today. Increasing life expectancy also means that marriages last a lot longer now – too long for sexual excitement to survive in many cases.

I coined the term ‘playfair’ for affairs that are about playtime, fun, entertainment – sexual adventure without tears. This is possible if both parties are married, and want to stay that way. No-one is seeking a change of status, so the playfair is a separate space in their lives where they can indulge in flirtation, seduction, excitement, romance and lust. Playfairs are fair play because no-one gets hurt. Everyone knows they are short-term erotic adventures, one of life’s luxuries, to be indulged in when time and finances permit. Playfairs are tourism rather than immigration.

The French have been perfecting the art of playfairs for centuries. French kings almost always had their official mistresses, who were beautiful, often leaders of fashion and style, who paraded at royal court entertainments with grace and charm. Madame de Pompadour is the most famous of them all. She remained the official mistress and confidante of Louis XV for around 20 years, long after she herself ceased to share his bed. Like a Japanese geisha she excelled as the perfect girl-friend and entertainer. She was of course married to someone else, and was rewarded handsomely with gifts.

In the southern European view, marriage is a flexible relationship – it is essentially about children, property, inheritance and a common lifestyle. There is no assumption that spouses must fulfil all of each other’s needs, all of the time, exclusively. Where necessary both spouses find friends and lovers outside the marriage. Divorce is frowned on, and much less common. French and Italian marriages end in divorce less often than almost anywhere else in the Western world, so marriages last longer.