For too long women's sexuality was viewed as somehow unnatural, oppressed by unhealthy and unbalanced social norms. The fight to change this is well underway, but has a long way to go, writes Emma Sayle. 

Fifteen years ago I threw my first Killing Kittens event – a female, oriented sex party in pursuit of women’s pleasure . I had no idea at the time that it was an event that would be such a catalyst for change and open up a conversation about sex and women’s sexuality that had never really happened before.

Sex! Even the mention of the word has so many connotations running around in our brains. Natural vs. unnatural, fun vs. guilt, loving vs. abusive, happy vs. shame. Sex creates such polar opinions and behaviours and these feelings are all woven so deeply into our concept of sex and wider society’s attitudes to it.

This is especially the case when it comes to female sexuality and how we, as women, can openly express ourselves in the bedroom. It is no surprise it has taken until the 21st century for women to be able to fully embrace and own this fundamental part of our being.

When I was young we were often told sex was unnatural or sex was dirty. You mustn’t sleep with a boy on the first date. You shouldn’t put “it” out there on a plate. If you have sex too soon, people (i.e. men) wouldn’t respect you. I was once told to keep my knickers on and one foot on the floor at all times!

Sex creates such polar opinions and behaviours and these feelings are all woven so deeply into our concept of sex and wider society’s attitudes to it.

There was never any discussion about sex – just that sex was wrong. I never knew there was anything other than sex for procreation. Indeed I only knew that sex would lead to babies. The end. As I grew older it seemed that the very definitions of sex became intertwined with what was deemed ‘natural’ i.e a man and woman in marriage and what was ‘unnatural’ i.e everything and everyone else.

Every turn you took, as a young woman exploring her sexuality, there was a voice telling you that women – and it is always women not men – should be careful in how they portray themselves sexually. There was ‘good’ sex and there was ‘bad’ sex and this ‘voice’ of warning always came with a man’s voice behind the rhetoric.

Sex was naughty (not in a good way) sex got you in trouble (also not in a good way) and sex was ultimately the root of all evil (definitely not in a good way). Whether you blame the church, the patriarchy or just that general level of misogyny we have all grown up with, women’s sexuality has always been suppressed, from Eve onwards, and it’s the patriarchy that always benefited from the suppression of women’s identity and their sexuality.

I wanted to change all that.