Studies show that the more fully alive we feel, the more meaning we have in our life, paradoxically, the more ready to die we are. You might think that having a meaningful life makes you more afraid to lose it. But studies reveal the opposite. Psychotherapist Julie Hannan argues that we fear death because we fear losing the opportunity to live the life we have always wanted to, but have lacked the courage to. If you're already living a fully meaningful life, if you're life is already fulfilled, the fear of death simply loses its sting.  

When Australian nurse Bronnie Ware worked with patients in the last weeks of their lives, she noticed recurring themes in their reflections. She gathered them into what became a bestselling book, 'The Top Five Regrets of the Dying'. The most common regrets were: not having the courage to live a life true to oneself; working too hard; not expressing feelings; losing touch with friends; and not allowing oneself to be happier.

SUGGESTED VIEWING Medicine, magic, and misunderstanding With Bessel van der Kolk, John Ioannidis, Gina Rippon, Claudia Canavan

Each of these regrets is striking not because they are about death itself, but because they are about life that was postponed, ignored, or never fully claimed. People rarely lamented death; they lamented an unlived life. This tells us something profound: that death anxiety may be less about death per se, and more about the fear of reaching the end of our days with the realisation that we never lived the life we wanted. It is this theme I wish to explore: how a life lived with meaning, alignment, and authenticity can soften the fear of death.

___

"Though the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death saves us."

___

Psychiatrist Irvin Yalom famously wrote that death is one of the four great existential concerns, alongside freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness. For him, death is the "background music" of life: it shapes us even when we do not consciously hear it. Yalom argued that much of human behaviour is motivated by the unconscious fear of death. Therapy, in his view, helps bring this anxiety into awareness and integrate it. When people accept mortality, they are freed to live with more authenticity, vitality, and gratitude.

Yalom often reminded patients that it is precisely the finitude of life that makes it all the more precious. His phrase still resonates: "Though the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death saves us." The awareness of death can galvanise us into living more fully.

In my own clinical practice, particularly with people in midlife (that is, aged 35-65), I often see a different configuration of death anxiety. Clients rarely fear what comes after death. Instead, their dread is more immediate: that they are wasting time, that they will reach their deathbed filled with regrets. They describe emptiness, boredom, or restlessness. They confess to a nagging feeling that life is slipping through their fingers. I refer to this as the midlife transition, which often prompts an existential crisis of identity.

It is less about fearing death itself and more about fearing dying without having lived fully.