The idea that an escort provides emotional as well as sexual intimacy is heresy to a traditional view of romantic relationships. But, writes Adelyn Moore, paid relationships create their own unique intimacy. A relationship that exists outside the demands and social norms of ordinary life can cut the pretence and offer a more honest and intense connection.

One of the things that shocked me, as an escort paid $2500 per hour to spend the night in the bed of Fortune 500 CEOs, was how little the clients flirted with me. There’s a confidence you see in a man who knows he already has you, who knows that no matter what he does or says, you’re his. There’s a certain confidence I see in men that I don’t think other women get to see – the way that you would only see in secret.

Critics of sex work generally think of it as lacking emotional intimacy, which can only come with long-term love. However, a relationship bounded by transaction can provide its own deep form of intimacy that you can’t find in the outside world. It’s allowed me to see my clients as someone they’ve known for a long time, often to a completely unorthodox level, unshielded to a stranger. This manifests in details they would never tell their closest friends or wives, treating me as they would an old friend, or letting me know what they don’t like about themselves, about sex, about dates.

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It’s about breaking the social scripts – the set of behaviours, actions and consequences expected in a particular setting. In ordinary social interactions there are all sorts of complex unspoken norms and expectations of what each party should do and how they should respond that have to be interpreted moment by moment as the situation unfolds.

Instead, I've been found on a rabbit hole online with a mystery face, and now we’re here dissembling it in reality. This industry gives a novel, sometimes strange opportunity to meet when you’re otherwise merely strangers. You find each other in ways that you would’ve never otherwise—an introduction by sending a strange email to a stranger online who you’ve already seen naked. I spent about a year researching how escorting worked before I started. I liked that I could read online a play-by-play on how the dates go, how to enter, when they take off their shoes, where they sit, where I sit, where they put the envelope, what topics were allowed and what topics weren’t. As an Autistic woman, it felt like I was finally looking at a handbook that everyone had already read but me.

I tried to find a name and explanation for the intimacy I felt. I called it zero-trust proofs, a cryptography term, where one party – the prover – can prove to another party – the verifier – that they know a certain piece of information without actually revealing the information itself. This allows the verifier to trust that the prover has the information without the prover having to share it. You’re simultaneously minimising the exposure of sensitive information in an untrusting, anonymous environment, while building trust in the other party’s authenticity. What is held back keeps your identity secure while allowing the other to feel secure in it too.

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Without the pressure of goals or expectations, people can be a truer version of themselves, relieved of the sometimes impossible standards maintained by our stories about love.

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