Infidelity seems to be coming back into fashion, if it ever went away. I’m not talking about tabloid articles obsessing over the latest outrageous behavior by this or that celebrity. I’m referring to serious authors like psychotherapist Esther Perel, who is of the opinion that infidelity is common, “and yet it is shrouded in secrecy, filled with shame, and often addressed with major judgment. That’s not helpful to the people who are actually experiencing it — or to society as a whole.” Perel’s take is that affairs are the result of a natural yearning for extra-monogamous affairs, and they are thus likely inevitable, if painful.
That sounds all very well and good, but quite a bit of what makes us different from most other species is precisely that we have an ability to reflect on whether something is good or not, and to act on that judgment. A propensity for violence is also natural for Homo sapiens, and yet we don’t condone it among either children or adults, because we think there are better ways to settle disputes. To be sure, we are all imperfect. We will make mistakes and set ourselves back somewhat. But does that mean we shouldn’t even try to do better? The “it’s natural and likely inevitable” defense can too easily turn into a rationalization for a free pass, especially when given the authority of modern science.
I try to practice Stoicism as a philosophy of life, because it is very pragmatic and effective; designed to help us live a life worth living — a eudaimonic existence, as the ancient Greco-Romans would have put it. And the test of a practical philosophy is precisely in how it handles real problems affecting people. So what does Stoicism have to say about infidelity?
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"While open relationships are perfectly permissible, if consensual, a Stoic perspective tells us that infidelity — which involves betrayal — is not. The Stoics believe that a good life is one in which we try to become better human beings."
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